With Joy

If you had asked me a year or two ago what I thought my calling was, I would have immediately told you I was called to be a physical therapist working with children. I love kids. I am comfortable with them; I can get down to their level and explain things in a way they understand. And my heart is that all children would know that God loves them just as they are. I had a childhood that really taught me that on a daily basis and I think it’s a shame that so many kids miss out on that. And I love helping people. I love helping them succeed and loving them through their challenges. I love the idea of working in a medical setting, but wasn't really interested in giving up 12 more years of my life for med school (not to mention what I would have to give up in my social life after becoming an MD). I wasn't really interested in nursing because needles aren't my favorite. But, I love watching people make progress after injuries. I would prefer to help people on their way back up rather than in their worst times. I was always afraid I would turn into Izzie on Grey's Anatomy and become way too attached to chronically and severely injured people. Therefore, I would have SWORN physical therapy was the best career for me.

But then, things happened, although I still don’t know exactly what changed everything for me. It didn’t matter what I tried to do or how I tried to serve, I kept experiencing the same frustration and fatigue. I “shadowed” some therapists in different settings and while it was enjoyable, I didn’t go home floating on air out of happiness and affirmation that that was indeed what I was born to do. Then, in trying to complete the course work for the PT program, all sorts of obstacles popped up. I hated Chemistry and actually dropped out my first semester in college (only to have to take it again later). My Physics teacher was terrible and I failed for the first time in my life. To say I was heartbroken and humiliated was a vast understatement. It seemed like every time I turned around, doors began to close on me, opportunities to serve in that capacity slipped through my fingers, and I began to wonder if it was even worth it anymore. Eventually, I decided it wasn’t. The more I thought about it, the more I thought I might be happier doing something else, although I had no idea what that "something else" was. I had no idea what to do. I searched my heart and really tried to seek God’s will, although sometimes I wanted to scream out and say “PLEASE GIVE ME A SIGN. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!”. There were times when I admit I became angry with God. This in itself was very troublesome to me – I didn’t get how God could be taking away a “calling” I was so sure was mine!

And then something funny happened. Family members got sick. Plans fell through. Relationships failed. Things happened that were absolutely completely out of my control. God led me to do something COMPLETELY different. Something I would never, ever have imagined Him calling me to. I didn’t think God would call me to it because I didn’t feel like I had the passion, drive and ability to do it. Was He kidding? I lacked the talent, the know-how, the connections. I lacked courage and confidence and I knew there were people who wouldn’t get accepted in to my program (who had probably wanted it their whole lives) that would be heartbroken when I got the spot over them.

But overall, I lacked faith. I applied to Speech Pathology school (as a last resort, admittedly) because I had an undergraduate degree in Biology and Zoology and medical school was not an option I entertained for long. PT school was COMPLETELY out of the picture by this time, thanks to circumstances out of my control. I knew I had to do something... and that degree with no grad school is quite the definition of pointless. I had no desire to teach high school and literally, a biology degree gets you nowhere without something else to go with it. Right before graduation, I was accepted in to Speech Pathology school and was as ready as I was going to be to start my "adventure".

For months (basically all summer) I struggled with self-doubt. For months I questioned God’s wisdom in putting me in this place to serve Him. For months I fretted and worried over my own inadequacies and fears. I prayed long and hard, convinced He was wrong and that I needed to get out of this pool He was immersing me in. Physical and Speech Therapy are sooo different in so many ways. In one, you are working with the human body and it's many parts to make someone better. Speech production involves considerably less body parts, and I had always thought speech was so automatic that it would be hard to manipulate another person's speech producers (for lack of a better term). It's pretty easy to show someone how to move their arm, but it's hard to explain and demonstrate how to close the vocal tract to produce certain sounds. I simply felt that there was simply no way I could be a good Speech Pathologist although I always thought I would be a good Physical Therapist.

I spent many a night stressing out and trying to rationalize how God could possibly be calling me to do something I didn’t think I could do. On those sleepless nights mixed with tears, I would often turn on my iPod and play random tunes.

One night, I was laying in bed thinking about how horribly I would surely fail in Speech Pathology school, and suddenly I heard a lyric of a song from my iPod: “In His presence, I lack nothing.”

Even through my tears, I laughed out loud right then and there – could He have made it any clearer? For months I had lamented the fact that I was no longer feeling it in the ministry of my choice. Until that moment, I hadn’t realized that I was serving me, not Him. I was seeking recognition and glory that was rightly His, and I was frustrated because I was not getting it.

Now, I was knee-deep in unfamiliar waters, scared of the possibilities of what else He would think of asking me to do, and I realized, finally, that it wasn’t about me and what I couldn’t do. It was about God and what He was doing through me. Each time I began to make it about me, I would doubt my abilities and if I was truly good enough to do His calling. God knew all along that I could be a great Speech Pathologist. It just took me awhile to realize that and fall in love with the field (which has TOTALLY happened, by the way:)).

Time and time again, through countless tears and frustrations, I was reminded of this verse: “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

I’m not one to brag about my weaknesses. I often talk about despising them so much: “I freak out way too much about stupid things”, “I cry too much”, “I’m too emotional”, etc. Speech Pathology requires INCREDIBLE people skills and an unending patience supply and the ability to NOT be shy and bashful in front of others and in new situations. Those aren't things I would say I am good at. I tend to think I’ve just been “lucky” to graduate Summa Cum Laude with my dual degree. I know I have semi-good people skills and I make friends rather easily, but in the “real world” that means jack squat. Sure, I can be witty and humorous from time to time, but it’s probably not best at the workplace in most situations (especially when you are dealing with someone who is unsure in their own speech).

I think that is why I struggled with this for so long. I just couldn’t get why God would choose to use me in the areas I felt so weak. I knew that verse in Second Corinthians, but until that moment it hadn’t made sense.

His power works best in my weakness.

When I remember to do this, when I remember to set aside myself, my doubts, and my need for control, when I just let Christ take over, He makes me able. Able to do that thing He asks me to do. And able to do it with joy and thanksgiving. Especially when I think to myself, "God, there is NO WAY I can do this".

I’ve been in Speech Pathology school for a few months and I can honestly say I love it. With every fiber of my being. God KNEW beyond the shadow of a doubt that I would love it so much more than PT and knew HE had given me the skills to excel long before I realized it. It wasn't a coincidence all those doors slammed in my face, it was GOD preparing the way for me to be truly happy and have the life HE had always known I should have. I felt ashamed for questioning Him, but have sense not stopped thanking Him for allowing this to happen. I’m thankful those PT plans fell through; I’m thankful I got through a summer from Hades which propels me to excel in Speech Pathology school even more (even though I admit I’m NOT thankful for Phonetics).

I've come out of my shell so much since I've been in Speech Pathology school. I am in SGA (Student Government Association) and I was student clinician of the month for September. I throw myself in to the patients that so reminded me of my sweet grandmother who was sidelined by a stroke (at one point, I would have gone to the bathroom and sobbed because I felt so sorry for them). I LOVE seeing their progress. It gets me out of bed in the morning. I've dissected a human body. I've learned to deal with working in difficult situations with criminally insane prisoners who come to the hospital for treatment. I admit, it's still not my favorite, but if you had told me that I would be in a room with them and be even semi-comfortable, I would have laughed LOUDLY in your face and told you that you were crazy. I've been forced to open up and be friendly to people even when I'm nervous and scared to death of making an idiot of myself. On the days when I'm frustrated with my Phonetics teacher or ready to give up, I try to remind myself that GOD put me here for a reason. After everything He has gotten me through, I owe it to HIM to give it everything I've got.

HE got my here. HE shut those doors. He made me who I am today. He knew I would love it this much. I guess he needed to be pretty obvious. I have a history of not listening to subtlety. I am usually flying around at a frantic pace and when you are in that mode, the little things get lost on you.

So now I get the point. He loves me more than I could ever imagine. And HE knows AND wants what is best for me, no matter what. He is with me and we are going to get through this together. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Colossians 1:11: “As you learn more and more how God works, you will learn how to do your work. We pray that you'll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul—not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives.
It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us."