Dear So and So

Dear Joy Behar,
I have no idea why you got your own TV show. You are the most annoying woman on The View and I think you must have slept with some higher ups just to get more publicity. Or to annoy people like me.

Disgusted,
Emily

Dear Little Couple,
I LOVE your show. You are so cute and your love just jumps off the TV screen.

Way too cute,
Emily

Dear Biggest Loser,
I LOVE this show. But I am frustrated with how totally unrealistic it is. These people lose like 100 pounds in 10 weeks. I think anyone could do that if they got to quit their jobs and get on the site catering and top of the line gym equipment.

Get a grip,
Emily

Dear Cold Weather,
Please come to Lubbock and stay. You are torturing me with your indecisiveness.

I want to wear my adorable scarf,
Emily

Dear Dirk,
I just watched you seal the deal against San Antonio and you had 41 points. You’ve never missed a free throw in the fourth quarter or overtimes (so far) and that’s seriously a HARD thing to do. I heart you and your sexy 7 foot tall self.

Marry me?,
Emily

Dear Janet and LaToya Jackson,
It must really suck to lose your brother. And I realize that Michael’s autopsy found that he had been overdosed by some lethal combinations of drugs. And I can see how you would automatically blame his personal doctor for his death. Yet you have absolutely no proof that he did in fact kill Michael. So quit blaming him until you have all the facts.

Over it,
Emily

Dear weekend friend,
You did it again. We talked off and on through the week, and you dropped off the face of the earth over the weekend. Pick one: either want to talk to me all the time (instead of just when it’s convenient or you aren’t bored) or just get lost.

Sick of your crap,
Emily

Dear Michael Moore:
I think your “open letter” to President Obama is retarded and makes you sound crazy. Please go away.

Shut up NOW please,
Emily
(You can read the letter here if you want to: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-moore/an-open-letter-to-preside_b_373457.html)

Dear Sadie Jane,
I love you, my gorgeous baby girl. But waking me up in the middle of the night so I can rub your belly must stop. However, when you come up for this love session, the way you lay your head on my pillow and sigh is beyond adorable. Thanks for being the best pup ever.

I love you,
Momma

Anderson Cooper,
You are a beautiful man. And smart!

And I could listen to you talk for days! The fact that you graduated from Yale is impressive (even if it was in political science and I couldn’t care less) and makes me swoon.

Only problem is, I’m pretty sure you are gay. Nooooo :(

Sigh,
Emily

Lincoln University,
I think it sucks that you are pre-determining fitness classes that people have to take. I’ll never be a size two, but that shouldn’t mean that you should be able to force me to take fitness classes to “better myself”. It’s just crazy because as a bigger person, we get singled out enough. I don’t need to be forced to enroll in special classes until I meet society’s standards again. I just think it’s so rude.

Get a heart,
Emily
(Read about it here: http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/11/30/lincoln.fitness.overweight/index.html)

Dear Tiger,
Will you please just tell the police what really happened so that everyone can shut up about it? Thanks.

Do it now,
Emily

Dear Serena,
You seem appalled that the US Open committee fined you $90,000 bucks for your spoiled brat tirade. Be glad I’m not on the committee; you’d be banned from the sport forever.

Ugh,
Emily

P.S. Your facial expressions are just plain ugly and they make you look even more retarded than your stupid hissy fit you threw.



Dear Michelle Obama,
While I strongly dislike your husband, I’ve always had a subtle sense of respect for you. You seem to keep your children well behaved and you usually look fashionable and seem fairly levelheaded. But at last week’s White House State Dinner, you made me lose some respect for you. I’m disappointed and even a little embarrassed for you. Clearly, you didn’t care about what was going on.


You looked perturbed as if you had many more important things that you had rather be doing. But, at least you enjoyed the food that my tax dollars bought for the occasion.


Not impressed,
Emily

Lady Gaga,
Once again, you’ve amazed me. Last week at the AMAs your outfit was just weird. I suppose I should admire your courage in getting out there and completely rocking these hard-to-pull-off outfits, but usually I just spend more time looking at you like you are crazy and don’t seem to have a single mirror. I would love to know how you managed to find a bra with flashing lights. I also don’t understand the underwear-ish contraption you had on. Please get a stylist with some sense.

Unimpressed,
Emily



Dear Jerry Jones,
I went to the new Cowboys Stadium and it is incredible. That huge jumbo-tron screen thing is the clearest video screen I’ve ever seen. I just have one request: can you please send me some of your billions? I'm not asking for too much; I just need like 10 billion or so. I promise I’ll put it to good use. And you won't even know it's gone. I promise.

Pretty please?!?!,
Emily

Adam Lambert,
GET OVER YOURSELF. On primetime TV, you made some girl position herself as if she was giving you oral sex and then tried to pretend you were fondling her. And you think no one will find a problem with this? Seriously? Heaven forbid ABC should want to offer quality instead of some gay fad on his way out. Why don’t you use one of those ridiculous spikes on your horrific outfit to poke out your eyes so I don’t have to do it for you.

Please go away,
Emily

P.S. Eye makeup and nail polish is for GIRLS not boys.