Epiphany

Before I get too deep, I should provide some back story so you aren’t completely lost. My last romantic relationship lasted almost four years. For the first time in my life, I was in love. The person he showed me was someone who was really easy to love: we had a great time together, wanted most of the same things out of life, all the normal things. Unfortunately, things didn’t work out like I hoped. He was unfaithful to me and abusive. I have been called every name in the book and once again find myself alone.

Needless to say, the past year has been the epitome of an emotional rollercoaster. Thank goodness that my family has never left my side and everyone that means the most to me has been more than supportive. And as many tears as I’ve cried, as low in the pit I’ve been, I have never been closer to my Savior.

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So, as I blogged about yesterday, this weekend truly changed my life. I’ve always known that Casting Crowns had some lyrics that had the intense power to change my life.

Praise You in This Storm has a VERY special place in my heart. When I was most heartbroken, the song offered me hope.

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as You mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I'll praise You in this storm
And I will life my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I have a terrible habit of consistently reaching out to God in a deeper more intimate way when I’m in the valleys. On the mountaintops, my prayers thank Him, but I often fail to seek Him as I should. In this relationship, that was true. I thanked God for that relationship, but we didn’t seek His will for us together. I’m ashamed to say that, but it’s absolutely true.

Through His mercy and unmerited favor and grace, I find His reassurance has been there all along. No matter how much or how little I’ve done, His mercies are new every single day. Incredible.

Here I am a sinner
Broken and in need of you
Take my life and wash my fears away
For you are the great I am
Rest assured, I feel your hand
Holding me until the darkness clears
A father to the fatherless
Redeemer of my soul
My life is yours forever
I want the world to know
Your mercy saved me
Mercy made me whole
Your mercy found me
Called me as your own
Here I stand a child of yours
Broken and in need of you
Break these chains and wash my guilt away
Healer of my brokenness
My weary soul will find its rest
You are my strength, the lifter of my head
You're greater than my yesterdays
You hold me close today
You're the lord of my tomorrows
My heart will always say
You're greater than my yesterdays
You hold me close today
You're the lord of my tomorrows
My heart will always say
You called me as your own
You called me as your own
Thank you for your mercy
Thank you for your mercy
You called me as your own
Your own

In the months since we split, I’ve been going through a lot of healing… and have reached out to God in ways I never had before. While I wouldn’t wish that terrible relationship experience on anyone, I have fallen in love with Jesus in an entirely new way that I don’t think I would have known otherwise. I wish THAT experience on everyone. IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

While it’s not a constant feeling, many times I think to myself “I’ve never felt so alone”. Talk about a terrible feeling! I went from being very committed and totally in love to feeling like I might never fall in love and be married again, which are on the opposite ends of my relationship “spectrum”. And once again, Casting Crowns to the rescue.

Your love is peace to the broken
Faith for the widow
Hope for the orphan
Strength for the weak
Your love is the anthem of nations
Brings out to the ages
And You're Always Enough for me

There have been countless times when I would give anything to just be held, comforted, loved by “that special someone”. And being the faithful Father that He is, I rest in knowing that He is holding me. Always has been. Always will be.

Jesus, hold me now
I need to feel You in this place
To know You’re by my side
And hear Your voice tonight
Jesus, hold me now
I long for Your embrace
I’m beat and broken down
I can’t find my way out
Jesus, hold me now

I will be the first to admit that the demise of my last relationship was not entirely my fault, not entirely his fault. I said things I still regret, treated him poorly in the hardest times. As I’ve been healing, I’ve really been asking God to help me forgive myself. The great thing about God: HE has already forgiven those sins I committed and remember them no more.

Here I am Lord and I'm drowning
In your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where you found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight
I know you've cast my sins as far
As the East is from the West
And I stand before you now
As though I've never sinned but today
I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way
Jesus can you show me
Just how far the East is from the West
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other
I start the day the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again
Your ttruth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way

One of the things Casting Crowns shared at the concert was something that will not let me go: What is true about me is what God says about me. God says I am beautiful, whole, loved, complete in HIM.

I’ll never forget some of the names he called me or unbelievably hurtful things he said, but suddenly I also realized that just because he told me no one would miss me if he blew my brains out with a gun, doesn’t mean I need to buy into that. I will not be defined by those comments again. What is true about me is what God says about me. I’m also learning daily how to listen to the real Voice of Truth.

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out his hand.
But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says, "This is for my glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will chose to listen and believe the voice of truth
Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand.
But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again, "Boy you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"
But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them lookin' down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

No matter what I’ve heard or said, God sees me in a completely different light as His child. He sacrificed so much so that I might be forgiven for my human failings time and time again. No exceptions.

One day when Heaven was filled with His praises
One day when sin was as black as could be
Jesus came forth to be born of a virgin
Dwelt among men, my example is He
Word became flesh and the light shined among us
His glory revealed
Living, He loved me
Dying, He saved me
Buried, He carried my sins far away
Rising, He justified freely forever
One day He’s coming
Oh glorious day, oh glorious day
One day they led Him up Calvary’s mountain
One day they nailed Him to die on a tree
Suffering anguish, despised and rejected
Bearing our sins, my Redeemer is He
Hands that healed nations, stretched out on a tree
And took the nails for me
One day the grave could conceal Him no longer
One day the stone rolled away from the door
Then He arose, over death He had conquered
Now He’s ascended, my Lord evermore
Death could not hold Him, the grave could not keep Him
From rising again
One day the trumpet will sound for His coming
One day the skies with His glories will shine
Wonderful day, my Beloved One, bringing
My Savior, Jesus, is mine

I’ve also come to the realization that I can’t expect to heal overnight. It’s a process, and will be for awhile. And, if I’ve ever needed Him, it’s NOW.

Hear our cry, Lord, we pray
Our faces down, our hands are raised
You called us out, we turned away
We’ve turned away
With shipwrecked faith, the idols rise
We do what is right in our own eyes
Our children now will pay the price
We need Your light, Lord, shine Your light
If we’ve ever needed You
Lord, it’s now, Lord, it’s now
We are desperate for Your hand
We’re reaching out, we’re reaching out
All our hearts, all our strength
With all our minds, we’re at Your feet
May Your kingdom come in our hearts and lives
Let Your church arise, let Your church arise
We’re reaching out
We’re reaching out
We need You now
Revive us now
We need You now

Jesus is having HIS way in my life in astonishing ways. I really can’t even comprehend it, much less explain it. I’m learning a LOT about who I am and what I’m made of by laying it all down at His feet.

Here at Your feet, I lay my past down
My wanderings, all my mistakes down
And I am free
Here at Your feet, I lay this day down
Not in my strength, but in Yours I’ve found
All I need, You’re all I need
Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet
Oh, to dwell and never leave
Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet
There is nowhere else for me
There is nowhere else for me
Here at Your feet, I lay my future down
All of my dreams, I give to You now
And I find peace, I find peace
Here at Your feet, I lay my life down
For You my King, You’re all I want now
And my soul sings...
‘Cause I am free (here at Your feet)
All I need (is at Your feet)
I find peace
We’re at Your feet
We’re at Your feet
And I am free (here at Your feet)
All I need (is at Your feet)
I find peace
We’re at Your feet
We’re at Your feet
We’re at Your feet
We’re at Your feet
Here at Your feet
I lay my life down

Somehow, I’m slowly finding the courage to believe that I am in fact capable of having an amazing relationship someday. I used to think that I was a failure because I couldn’t make that relationship work for the long haul. It was as if that was my one shot. My God is a God of second (and thousands) chances.

I WILL fall in love again. His hurtful words and actions WILL NO LONGER determine my future relationship success. On those nights when I’ve never felt more alone, I hear Jesus loud and clear: In the dark of night I hear His voice, and He tells me to trust Him. He isn’t going. “Sit child. Rest. I am just around the corner and I’ll never leave you.”

He tells me to trust Him. And only Him.

God, You are my God
Earnestly I seek You, oh my soul
I thirst for You
My body aches in a dry and weary land
I’ve seen You in Your sanctuary
I beheld Your power and shouted glory
My soul is full, my lips will sing Your praise
Lift your voices
Let the sound of praise be heard
All the ends of Earth
Praise the Holy One
Sing the glory of His name
Every tongue proclaim
Praise the Holy One
You are my help, I sing
In the shadow of Your wings
My soul will cling
Your right hand holds me up
You are my king, You are my God
Lift your voices
I will sing for Your glory
For Your love is better than life
I will sing for Your glory
For Your love is better than life
Better than life

Courage might not be about bravery or doing something worthy of valor. Courage, sometimes, might just be being present. My own courage, in its mini surges and meager portions, has usually come from just being there. It’s courage for the moment and not a bit more than that. It’s the courage to believe in myself enough to know that God is grooming me for my soul mate.

To know You is to never worry for my life
To know You is to never give into compromise and
To know You is to want to tell the world about You
‘Cause I can’t live without You
To know You is to hear Your voice when You are calling
To know You is to catch my brother when he is falling
To know You is to feel the pain of the brokenhearted
‘Cause they can’t live without You
More than my next breath
More than life or death
All I’m reaching for, I live my life to know You more
I leave it all behind, You’re all that satisfies To know You is to want to know You more To know You is to want to know You more
To know You is to ache for more than ordinary
To know You is to look beyond the temporary
To know You is believing that You’ll be enough
‘Cause there’s no life without You
All this life could offer me
Could not compare to You, compare to You
And I count it all as loss
Compared to knowing You, knowing You
All this life could offer me
Could not compare to You, compare to You And I count it all as loss
Compared to knowing You, knowing You And I count it all as loss
Compared to knowing You, knowing You

No matter what, I will live my life to the Glory of My King. He gives and takes away. And I’m finally accepting that.

Courage is sometimes just walking right up to a new situation and simply being there. Courage just might be walking to the end of the diving board and allowing someone else to drop me into the deep end. I’m ready to start walking.

Because I know Someone’s treading water below me and He never gets tired. He won’t let me drown.

Thanks for the epiphany, Casting Crowns.