Help My Unbelief

I think we’ve all had that moment where we realize that while it’s always a good goal in life to be striving toward loving the Lord better, we also need to know that it might not ever feel perfect in this life.

Let me rephrase.

It won’t feel perfect in this life.

It sounds so cliche that I’m tempted to go back and delete. Try to come up with something much more spiritually profound and new. But the truth is, it’s hard for me to believe all the time. I have moments where I question what I believe, where I think I may have put all my eggs in a basket that isn’t going to come through for me.

I bet you do too.

I feel like that’s why the Lord gave us stories like the one in the New Testament, where we hear a man pleading on behalf of his ill daughter. Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief...

I think I struggled with this one for a while because I saw it as black and white, with no room for moments of questioning. For many years I criticized myself for the thoughts that would swirl around in my head, too afraid of being ostracized by my “serious” Christian friends. I lifted my voice during worship, prayed through the crevices of doubt, and asked the Lord to help my unbelief.

It wasn’t until much later that I realized that while He is true to His word, and I believe He will help, the fact is that if He took away my ability to feel unbelief, I couldn’t choose Him.

I’m not going to say I never doubt, or that I don’t struggle with the fact that the God of the universe has fallen in love with me. That’s a lot to take in, especially when you know the parts of yourself that you wish you could tuck away and pretend never existed. This has much more to do with me than it does Him.

One night I laughed out loud as I prayed because I realized I was pleading with God to take away my questioning. I was praying fervently. Passionately. Desperately. I felt like I was at the end of my rope with my faith walk. There was a moment where I sensed His presence, and as a smile crept across my face in the darkness, I realized that if I didn’t really believe, I probably wouldn’t have spent so much time talking to Him.

I mean, if I’m going to make a request, it should probably be with Someone Who exists, right?

Thousands of years ago it was a man who wanted to trust that Jesus was able, and it isn’t any different tonight. Do you believe that he can help your unbelief? Do you see yourself as someone who is worthy of such lopsided love?

If you are curled up in His lap, offering up your doubt, I imagine He will whisper the same thing to you as He has to me many many times.

Sweet child, you’ve come to the right place...