2009 In Review

2009 was an amazing and heartbreaking year. I used to think that wasn't possible. And then it became my life.

I spent some time looking back today and thought I would share for the none of you who read this blog.

January: If you had asked me in January, I would've immediately said "2009 is going to be the best year EVER". I was engaged; so in "love". I was about to graduate college and I thought I had found my soul mate. I was applying to Physical Therapy schools and trying to survive Biology 2. And planning my wedding.

February: I had my wedding shower. I felt surrounded by love. I started the countdown to my big day. I excelled at school and kept planning. I was so happy.

March: It was the month of the wedding marriage that wasn't. I went to Seattle. I tried to adjust to a life with another person for the first time.

April: He turned slightly controlling and abusive. He said things to my Dad he never should have. I should have left him right then and there. I was such an idiot.

Physical Therapy school was a thing of the past. Suddenly, I was about to become a college graduate with no definite plans. You can imagine how thrilled my parents were. (In all seriousness, they were amazing as usual.) He became even more controlling and mean. Said things no one should ever have to hear, no matter what. He threw a garage door opener at me out of rage. I felt so scared, but very few people knew it. I was so scared that if I told anyone, he would hurt me (or them). So, I kept it inside as best I could.

I got into a car accident (that was my fault) and he went ballistic.

May: He became increasingly abusive and controlling. Finally, he let me fix my car with "his" insurance money. At least once a day, he reminded me that for the next three years, he would be paying $36 a month more because I was "too stupid to pay attention". IT WAS A FREAKING ACCIDENT. I DID NOT WAKE UP HOPING TO WRECK MY CAR THAT I ADORE. A few weeks later, he kicked me off his insurance plan and I was told I would be paying for my own insurance because he wasn't about to pay for my "stupid mistake".

I had to tell my friends and family about the situation. Suddenly, I didn't feel quite as alone. I was mortified, but I knew I didn't deserve that kind of treatment. They were so supportive and just wanted me to be safe and happy.

He pointed a gun at me (which I later found out was loaded and ready to go) and said if I would stay where I was, he could get Sadie and I with one shot. I've honestly never been so scared. Naturally, I left and went to my Mom's house with Sadie, honestly grateful to be alive. Looking back, I should have NEVER left my house. I should have demanded that he leave instead. I'll never forgive myself for that, but I was so scared at the time that I'm probably lucky I was even with it enough to know to leave in the first place.

Suddenly, I was alone again. I heard every insult in the world from him. Sadly enough, I believed him. It was one of the worst times of my life. He threw my Sadie Jane across the yard because she "hurt" one of his dogs. Thank goodness Sadie is okay. It breaks my heart, but sometimes I can sense and see the fear in her showing up again. She is my shadow; I hope she knows I'd never hurt her.

I took his dogs to the pound. They were euthanized the next day.
Sidenote: there is A LOT more to that story than just my taking them to the pound for no reason, so please don't think I am a horrible person.

Things went downhill from there.

I officially moved all of his stuff out of my house. My family wanted to kill him. I'm pretty sure I cried at least once a day.

June: I got a baby shower invitation. From his grandmother. The baby was his, but not mine. He had moved away for a job and apparently moved on at the same time. I felt so betrayed; so hurt. Thought my heart would never mend.

I ran full speed to my Savior. Drawing close, sitting still, and knowing He is God. No matter what. God is good all the time; all the time God is good.

July: I found out I had been accepted into Speech Pathology school. I continued with my healing and felt stronger more days than not. My family was my rock. I changed all the locks on my house and changed my cell phone number.

August: I got a baby announcement in the mail. For that baby that was his, but wasn't mine. I've never cried so hard in my life. Or felt so stupid. I went to dinner with my Mom who later literally held me all night long. I don't think I went back to my own house for a solid week.

September: I started Speech Pathology school. I fell in love with it. I was named September's Student Clinician of the Month. I threw myself into school and excelled at it. It was my way of proving to myself that I would be just as well off without him.

October: I finally started believing that I don't have to be alone the rest of my life. That jerk WILL NOT determine my success in other relationships. Because that is letting him win. Something I refuse to do. I owe him NOTHING.

November: Giving the season of Thanksgiving, I learned to see my innumerable blessings in an entirely new way. I realized just how much I have versus how much I wish I had.

December: I was Student Clinician of the Month again. Somehow, I ended up number one in my class.

As 2009 comes to a close, I've never been more in love with my Savior. As selfish as it would have been, I admit that I thought about ending my own life. It was a terrible time in my life. Then I snapped out of it; there is NO WAY I could do that to my family and friends.

Sure, some months 2009 seemed unbearable. But as I look back, I've never been stronger. I've seen my family rally around me and support me in absolutely everything. I've experienced my friends despise him on my behalf almost as much as I do. And as He always has, Jesus got me through.

I can honestly say: I have never been so happy. So fulfilled. So loved. So content. So so happy.