Dear So and So

First, a side note: Bon Jovi in Houston was incredible! Amazing. Spectacular. Wonderful. You get the idea. My sister took tons of pictures on her camera but when she sends them my way, you'll definitely be getting a recap complete with 438 (No, I'm not kidding... she really took that many) pics after sends them my way. In the meantime, hang tight. :)

On to the important things in life... ;)

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Charles Barkley,
I love watching you on NBA halftime analysis shows. You make me laugh so hard. Thanks for the entertainment, Chuck.

Keep it coming,
Dirk’s wife


Lady Gaga,
I am glad that you got to meet the Queen of England… that’s really an awesome honor. But I’m sortof embarrassed for you, too. Why in the world did you show up to meet her in a latex dress?

It looked terrible! And don’t even get me started on your eye makeup. What’s wrong with you?

Not cute,
Emily

P.S. But your huge hair bow made out of hair is really quite remarkable (and kind of cute).


Bon Jovi,
Your concert at that private Christmas party was aaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmaaaaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzzzzziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggggggg!! And, I’m sorry you didn’t feel good, but thanks for sticking it out for us. You’ve achieved something pretty hard to do: you are officially my sister’s favorite concert ever. That’s a big deal. Thanks for making it happen!

Love,
Bon Jovi’s #2 fan

Dear Houston,
Is there any way that you can stop hogging all the rain and send some my way? Thanks.

Smooches,
Emily in L-town

Oprah,
Is there any way you could get over your obsession with Barack and Michelle Obama? It’s so annoying. I saw your primetime White House decoration special and interview you did with them, and if I could have reached through my TV screen and hurt you without going to jail, I would have. If, at any moment, you want to remove your face from President Obama’s hind end, please feel free.

It HAS to stink that far up his bowels,
Emily

Dear Supernanny,
I admire you. How you are not in prison for killing a child and/or their parents? Some of those people that you “teach” should really be shot for being such idiots! And that kid that spit in YOUR face because he was pissed that his parents were horrible… how did you not smack him upside his ugly head? Claps for you!

Wow,
Emily

Sadie Jane,
I miss you more than you’ll ever know. My stupid flight got in from Houston too late tonight, or you could be snuggling and keeping me warm at home right now. I’m sorry that you are still at the kennel all by your lonesome. I hope they have been nice to you and I hope that you have found a sweet boy who has kept you warm while we were apart. Oh, and I hope that you aren’t kicked out of Four Paws Pet Resort due to excessive uncontrollable peeing on staff due to excitement. I love you so much sweet girl (yes, even your precious dribbles---although it IS gross). I’m coming to get you as soon as possible.

XOXO,
Momma

Dear Southwest Airlines,
Would you PLEASE get your act together? There is absolutely NO reason why we should need to fly from Houston to Dallas to Lubbock. Why can’t you just take me from Houston to Lubbock non-stop and be done with it? And, if you are going to delay my flight by 90 minutes, please be nice about it, instead of being a jerk. Do you hear me, psycho rude desk lady working at Gate 4 in Dallas Love Field?

Ugh,
Emily

Dear Tom and Gisele,
Congrats on your new baby boy. I’m sure he is just beautiful. But why in the world have you not named this child yet? Last time I heard, that little babe has been cooking in her oven for NINE MONTHS. Why in the world have you not discussed names? Pick one and move on. That week old baby deserves a name already!

It’s not rocket science,
Emily

Dear Lebron,
I will admit… you have some amazing incredible out-of-this-world basketball talent. And I realize you are a mere year younger than me and already you have more money that I’ll know in 1000 lifetimes. But your stupid attitude has always bothered me. This weekend, you REALLY crossed the line. Sure, you scored 44 points against Oklahoma, but that’s not what I noticed.



Instead, I noticed your retarded food-taking antics. After stealing the ball and stumbling through a foul to convert a layup, your cocky self stopped along the baseline to snag some French fries from a boy seated in the front row wearing a Durant (who plays for Oklahoma) jersey. I can’t even tell you how rude and inappropriate that was. That was a CHILD. You know, those smaller people who are supposed to look up to you as a role model. And to make it worse, you put your nasty grimy fingers in his fries and acted like that was normal and sanitary. Talk about disgusting.

And frankly, I feel the exact same way this sports writer does: "The immaturity of 'The King' is one of the reasons why he has yet to win a championship. He is much too focused on gaining attention for himself, and not focused enough on the fact that his team is far from reaching greatness." Thanks for giving me another reason to think you are a cocky showoff with a larger than life ego. Get a grip.

Ridiculous,
Emily

Dear Mark and Becky Lanier,
I know you have no idea who I am (yet) but I really think you should send me a few million dollars. Heck, I’ll even take one million without a single complaint. I promise I will spend it well and you’ll never even know it was gone. Just please don’t make me adopt you as my mom and dad now; I really like the ones I’ve already been blessed with.

Pretty please?!?!?,
Emily

Pappasitos,
Why have you not built a restaurant in Lubbock? Your queso and nachos were to DIIIIIIIIIIIIE for. Please share the yumminess.

See you soon!,
Emily

Dear lady at Hilton Americas in Houston,
Clearly, you haven't gotten the memo yet, but usually when people wear clothes with the intention of going out in public, the idea is to COVER your body more than show it off. I realize I'm no tiny supermodel, but apparently I also have taste. That shirt was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too small for your DDD boobies. And that skirt? WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too short and tight. I'm wondering how you sat down without busting the zipper. And the worst part is that you TOTALLY tried to rock it by flaunting this crazy getup complete with wannabe Victoria's Secret catwalk skills.

Take it or leave it,
Emily