Dear So and So

Dear James Family,
I am sorry that your well-to-do previous NFL playing patriarch didn’t want your son to go to college at Texas Tech. But I have three words for you: get over it. And seriously, we play in our bowl game this weekend. Why didn’t you tattle before now? Because you are bitter, that’s why.

Ugh,
Emily

You can read more about this stupid drama here: http://rivals.yahoo.com/ncaa/football/blog/dr_saturday/post/Mike-Leach-suspended-for-allegedly-isolating-C?urn=ncaaf,211027

Dear Mike Leach,
I’m sorry that you aren’t being allowed to go to the Alamo Bowl because someone tattled on you. I’m sure you don’t care, but you’ve never been my favorite person. I think you are pretty cocky and arrogant, but I cannot deny that you are an AMAZING football coach. I hope you don’t get your boxers in too big of a wad and run off, because Lubbock loves you.

Please don’t go,
Emily


Charlie Sheen,
You are the world’s biggest butthead. What example are you setting for your FIVE children (four of whom are under the age of 10)? Do you want your little girls to think it is okay to be abused? And what about your adorable 9 month old twin boys? Do you want them to think its okay to treat a woman like crap? You need to get help, so please go before you hurt someone.

Go away,
Emily


Brooke Mueller,
I’m sorry that your jerkwad of a husband Charlie has been so mean to you lately. I can’t imagine the terror of having a knife pointed at your throat by someone you thought you loved (and loved you). Please take your precious babies and leave him before he hurts you or someone else.

I’m praying for you,
Emily


Dear Adam Lambert,
I don’t think you can sing. At all. And don’t get me started on what you are wearing in this picture. In case you missed my last letter, nail polish is for girls, and the last time you were interviewed, you claimed to be a male. How can you not know how pathetic you are?

SO not cool,
Emily


Mariah Carey,
Honestly, I’ve never cared for you much. I think you are way too much hype with very little talent. And you have NEVER dressed in a way that I admired. Your latest fashion monstrosity just might be the worst I’ve ever seen you look. First of all, I am pretty sure no one would notice if you found some pants that you could actually fit in to instead of having to pour yourself into them. And those boots! The fringe… the ridiculous heel. And then I realized they were peep-toe booties and I just wanted to lie down and cry for you. I’m sorry you are so lame.

Sad for you,
Emily

P.S. If you will tell me the address, I will gladly send you a mirror. I’ll even pay for shipping.

Sheryl Crow,
I’ve never really thought of you as one of my “faves” but I’m currently watching One Tree Hill and you just sang your song “First Cut Is the Deepest”. Amazing song, sista friend!

Thank you,
Emily



Lyrics
I would have given you all of my heart
but there's someone who's torn it apart
and he's taken just all that I have
but if you want I’ll try to love again
baby, I’ll try to love again, but I know...
the first cut is the deepest
baby I know
the first cut is the deepest
but when it comes to being' lucky, he's cursed
when it comes to loving' me, he's worst...
I still want you by my side
just to help me dry the tears that I’ve cried
and I’m sure gonna give you a try
if you want I’ll try to love again, (try)
baby, I’ll try to love again, but I know...
OOHHH,
the first cut is the deepest
baby I know
the first cut is the deepest
but when it comes to bein' lucky, he's cursed
but when it comes to lovin' me, he's worst...
I still want you by my side
just to help me dry the tears that I’ve cried
but I’m sure gonna give you a try
cuz if you want I’ll try to love again
(try to love again, try to love again)
baby, I’ll try to love again but I know, OOHHH....
the first cut is the deepest
baby I know
the first cut is the deepest
when it comes to bein' lucky, he's cursed
when it comes to lovin' me, he's worst
OOHHH, the first cut is the deepest
baby I know (baby I know)
the first cut is the deepest
try to love again...

Mr. Terrorist Man,
The only reason I’m not typing your whole name is because I can’t spell it. I’m sorry that you have some stupid idea that Americans deserved to be killed and attacked on the plane that landed in Detroit on Christmas Day. I’m sorry that your life is so bad that you think you need to hurt others to make yourself feel better. And I haven’t stopped thanking God that the smart passengers on your flight that foiled your plan. I hope that you are brought to swift justice and I’m so thankful that no one was hurt.

Have fun in prison, retard!,
Emily

P.S. I hope you are embarrassed that now your underwear is being flashed all over the internet. Something tells me you don’t care, but I hope you are at least slightly embarrassed that all your dirty laundry (literally) is now on the world stage just because you thought you were killing your way into your idea of “heaven”.


Glee DVD makers,
I pre-ordered Volume one of Glee. And, thankfully, it got here a day before it was allowed to be bought. But, you sent me two copies of disc three. Here I was thinking I could cuddle up with my Sadiekins and electric blanket and relive all the wonderful-ness. But no. You are supposed to be sending me a replacement, so you better get to it. I still love you, but please hurry it up. I miss my Puckers.

HHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY,
Puck’s girl

P.S. Oh, and why are you not airing any more new episodes until April? Does the term cruel and unusual punishment mean anything to you?!?


Dear Christmas break,
Can you please slow down already? You are going by way too fast and I don’t like it one bit.

Slam on the brakes NOW,
Emily

Dear Best Dad Ever (AKA mine),
I love you. And I love my Christmas presents. My bag is DIVINE and the Coach wallet is just plum perfect! I really wish I could have seen you on Christmas day, but I hope you had a good time elsewhere. Even though I don’t ever always understand things, I genuinely hope you are happy. I’m so grateful that you are my dad.

Love love love,
Your favorite youngest daughter

Dear Best Mom Ever (AKA mine),
I am sooooo glad that you love your new house. I know you are so so tired, but it’s almost over. I can’t wait to make new memories with you there; you deserve it! We made it!

Love love love,
Your baby

Dear Kat,
I fear that our time apart is rapidly coming to a close. No, I’m not happy with it. But one of my New Year’s Resolutions is going to be to try to not want to murder you be nicer to you. If you can work with me, I’ll try not to despise you so much.

Thanks in advance,
Emily