Past, Present, Future

It’s that time again. I’m another year older. I was thinking about it today, and it struck me how drastically things can change in a single year. This time last year, I was planning my wedding to the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Now, on my 24th birthday, he is long gone. And I’ve never been happier. I feel like I have been through a gamut of emotions: betrayal, love, cheated, bitter, angry, sad, blessed… and on and on and on. On many occasions I’ve thought back and just laughed and wondered how I ever made it through. I now know that I owe it all to my amazing King of Kings, family and friends. You know who you are and I thank you for never leaving my side. I love you more than you can fathom. Thank you thank you thank you.

And now, my life in a nutshell.

My past:
~I never really had a lot of confidence
~I felt being loved by someone else was the only thing there was
~I was terribly shy as a child and young adult
~I had a baby doll that never left my side... she could also be called an imaginary friend I guess
~I allowed him to abuse me (I’ll never forgive myself)
~I was a jealous and insecure girl and that carried on into womanhood
~I loved playing school and wanted to be a teacher
~I hated The University of Texas
~I thought beauty was on the outside
~I never lived in the moment
~I took almost everything to heart
~I loved unconditionally
~I was addicted to Tylenol PM
~I was picked on and called fat more times than I can count
~I thought having the most friends made you seem cool
~I made stupid choices that I regret
~I cared what people thought of me
~I was very negative
~I frowned a lot
~I had the best family in the world
~I thought I could control everything
~I was a doormat
~I should have listened to my parents and family
~I only saw my side of the story
~I was very judgmental
~I thought being smart would make me more accepted
~I aimed to please my family

My present:
~I now know beauty is truly on the inside
~I laugh until I almost pee my pants
~I still get anxious and tend to shake my foot until I calm down
~I still have test anxiety. I’m a TERRIBLE test taker.
~I’ve learned that I can’t put my God in a box—He is so much bigger than that
~I strongly believe having a few, close friends is better than being able to count them on your fingers & toes
~I am empathetic. I feel what you feel and I hurt when you hurt
~I say thank you and smile
~I am working on not being bitter
~I have the best family in the world
~I can still be judgmental but I’m working hard to change that
~I hate my body
~I lose my temper sometimes over silly little things
~I have a hard time letting go of the silly little things
~I kick negative thoughts out of my mind with the tiny foot in my head
~I make stupid choices but then figure out why and learn from them
~I love my family and finally understand them
~I pray daily
~I visualize good things happening in my life
~I still hate UT
~I believe what you put out in the world, you get back in return
~I put out positive energy and apologize when some of it is negative
~I cherish the fact that I still have my Meemaw and Papa on this Earth
~I need to remember my lost loved ones more
~I see what I want instead of focusing on what I don't have
~Sadie Jane is the cutest Chiweenie ever
~I believe in the power of the universe
~I pray for my special someone every single day
~I’m holding my head up high and seek to conquer the world one insecurity at a time
~I am searching for what is missing in my life
~I still get envious and competitive
~I cry--a lot
~I have learned how to put me first
~I see a girl who just wants her happy ending
~I am afraid that my dreams won't come true
~At least once a day, I realize how unbelievably blessed I am
~I realize that I am much stronger than I ever thought I could be
~I believe that there is something much bigger than us. His name is Jesus.
~I am quite naive at times
~I say “I love you” a lot more than I have before
~I couldn’t live without Celine Dion, Diet Coke and chapstick
~God reveals Himself to me every single day… and it’s changing my life
~I bite my lips and it drives me insane
~I love my life
~I’m healing and learning to move on
~I heart reading. Big puffy bright reddish-pink heart
~I now know how to put myself first
~I’ve finally learned to listen to my gut. It has yet to steer me wrong.

My future:
~I hope to see myself blossom into the woman I was always meant to be
~I hope to be a wonderful friend for all the right reasons
~I’ll never be able to live without Celine Dion, Diet Coke and chapstick
~I hope to continually count my blessings
~Sadie will still be precious and sweet
~Chick flicks will still kick butt
~Reading will make me happy
~I hope to continue to see only the good in people
~I will always have the best family in the world
~I hope my (future) husband continues to fall in love with me over and over again
~I hope to be the wonderful mother that I know I can be
~I hope to be a good daughter, sister and granddaughter
~I hope I still make up silly songs to remember phonetics crap
~I will still hate UT… as in, until I die
~I will continue to seek God’s will for my life
~I hope to believe that good things are on the way
~I hope to smile through the good and bad
~I hope that my heart becomes whole
~I hope to get stronger every single day
~I hope to define my life
~Grey’s Anatomy will still be the best show ever (I will be Mrs. McDreamy some day soon, too)
~I will join Jesus and my loved ones in heaven

Being human, I have absolutely no idea what my 24th year holds. Here is one thing I’m sure of: I can and will make it.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Maybe I scared some of you off. Maybe you think I was too open and honest. This is my blog and well, this is me. The good and the bad.