Dear So and So

Dear Sandra,
I am so so happy that you won Best Actress award for The Blindside. And your speech was so adorable and heartfelt. And, I loved your dress. Girl, you rocked that purple dress.

Yay for you!,
Emily


Mr. WLISD Principal Man,
This will be short and sweet. Please. Go. Away. Now. You are driving my sister absolutely batty and she really doesn’t deserve that.

Leave now,
Emily

Jennifer,
I thought you looked wonderful at the Golden Globes… so classy and still not slutty! That’s a rare accomplishment. Had Angelina been there, you would’ve completely stolen the show.

So pretty,
Emily


Bjork,
Could you please explain this fashion decision? Actually, don’t. I know all I need to know… you are crazy!

Weirdo,
Emily


Cameron,
Usually, you look sooo impeccable and gorgeous. But this time? Notsomuch. Actually, not at all. I would love the look if it didn’t look so odd at the waist. It almost looks like you tucked the top part into the bottom, as if they were separate pieces. Please look better next time.

Thanks for reading,
Emily


Christina AND Cher,
There are no words for this horribleness (yes, that’s a word) that you chose to wear in public.

I’m crying in the corner,
Emily


Courtney and David,
You guys look AMAAAAAAAZING! So classy and sophisticated. And it’s so nice that you are still together and raising your child (even if you did name her Coco).

Emily


Diane and Emily,
Is there any chance I could convince you to eat a hamburger (or fifty)? You are SCARY skinny.

Love,
The Fat Girl



Drew,
I think you could have done better this time. I don't mind the dress except for the stupid right side appendage that I'm just not a fan of. Oh, and how long has it been since you washed your hair? 100 years?

Not good,
Emily


Fergie,
I think you looked gorgeous the other night. But, you are orange. Please. Stop. Tanning.

Stay cancer free,
Emily


Ginnifer,
You looked gorgeous. And very few girls could've pulled off that haircut. But I thought we had an understanding: Blue and black never ever ever under any circumstances should be worn together.

Ugh,
Emily


George,
Dear Jesus, you have gotten more beautiful! And, have you ever dated an ugly woman? I don't think so. That girl is absolutely gorgeous, and I might be a slight bit jealous. And it's so cute that you brought your momma to your premiere too. They say that you always know how a man will treat his girl by the way he treats his momma. Looks like she's got it good.

Marry me pa-pa-pa-please?,
Emily




Tina,
You might be the most annoying woman on the face of the planet. And apparently with your sassy pose, you think you are hot stuff. I've got news for you: you aren't. How did you sit in that thing? And it's just ugly.

Ugh,
Emily


Halle,
You are a mother! What in the world possessed you to dress like this in public? Isn't your baby daddy supposed to be the only one who sees your unmentionables? I don't need to see your boobs; I have my own.

Love,
Emily


Kate,
As always, you looked impeccable. I would give my crooked pinkies for your gorgeous body.

Please?,
Emily


Miley,
Yay for finally showing some class girlfriend! You look grown up and amazing on the cover of this magazine. I hope you have moved on up from your weirdo and trashy stage!

You go girl!,
Emily


Lea,
I'm so sorry that you didn't win Best Actress for a comedy. But you should be so proud that in your first season, you at least got nominated. And you looked wonderful! I loved that you took such a fashion risk with that huge skirt. It looked fab!

Love GLEE,
Emily


Stupid AT&T Dude,
WHY IN THE WORLD did you leave the backyard gate wide open?!?!?! My pup Dillon Lee got out, and he still has not come home. You are a repairman and were well aware that she had dogs in the back yard. Why couldn't you have pulled your head out of your rear long enough to close the freaking gate?!?! I'm angry with you... and I'll never like you.

Boo AT&T,
Emily


Dillon Lee,
Little buddy, I miss you so so much. I am so angry that you ran out of the gate when the above idiot left the gate wide open. I thought I had given you a good home and loved you enough that you would never run away. You were such an amazing dog, and I'll really really miss you. I promise to love on you, give you chicken treats and feed you tons of my scraps; please just come back. If you ever want to come home, you know where to find me.

I love you sweet boy,
Emily (AKA Momma)