Dear So and So

Willie Nelson,
Is there any way you could get your act together? I’m really sorry you had to cancel some shows due to a “bum hand”. But, I can’t help but wonder if you were in fact on just as much marijuana as your five band members who were charged with possession. You should know that you are really making my Meemaw and Papa disappointed. They both think you are still a small-time country boy with bookoos of talent. Please stop being ridiculous.

Come on already,
Emily (and family)

Celine,
Okay sister friend. We have to talk. Since I found out that your documentary/concert was coming to theaters, I’ve been dyyying to go. So imagine my disappointment today when I looked up the dates and ticket prices and found that you are not coming to L-town after all. How could this happen?!?!?! This is a tragedy of Titanic proportions and must be remedied as soon as possible. I’m like your biggest fan ever and you aren’t even going to come see me. I mean, seriously. I went to Las Vegas not once, but TWICE to see your spectacular show and then I went to Houston and saw the next world tour. And let’s not talk about the ticket prices to all these shows, hotel costs; you get the idea. I My dear sister/family have spent tons of dough in the name of your wonderfulness. The least you could do is make your manager husband play this wonderful film in my town. Is that really too much to ask?!?!

Don’t make me beg,
Emily Your biggest fan EVER



Apolo,
Could you get any hotter? I don't think so.



Please marry me,
Emily

Adam Lambert,
What will it take for you to just go far far away? I'm talking like another planet entirely. I am soooo sick of you. And you still need to learn how to dress.



Please go,
Emily

Taylor,
Girl you did it again! I thought you looked classy, elegant and just plain fab. And, congrats on the Grammys! You deserve them.




Keep rockin,
Emily

Pink,
For once in your life, you look relatively classy. I've thought you were weird since I saw you open for 'NSync in Las Vegas awhile back. You've always been an attention whore and you have honestly freaked me out a few times. But, at the Grammys, you sortof proved that you can clean up (sortof) nice. I'm worried about how much hair gel you have in your hair though. It will probably take DAYS to get all that junk out. Good luck with that.



I'm still "pink" on the inside,
Emily

Mary, Beyonce, and Keri,
Thank you both for proving that women of color do not have to go out in horrific looking clothes. You stayed classy and sophisticated and still looked amazing. Thank you for that.





Stay beautiful,
Emily

Kelis and Imogen Heap AKA I have no idea who you are, and Britney,
I have no words for these looks.




Please go change,
Emily

Carrie,
You and your fiance are so adorable. He is just as beautiful as you are! At the Grammys, you looked phenomenal even if you did have on enough makeup for three people and your hair never moved. And I am so glad you won! Good luck with wedding planning. Please do us all a favor and keep your wedding classy.




Yay!,
Emily

Fergie,
I think you should know that I totally want your body. And I wouldn't mind having your husband either. Blue is most definitely your color.



So cute,
Emily

Jennifer,
First, you looked amazing last night. Your hair is so cute and just perfect for your face. And I LOVED your dress. Second, I am super jealous of you. You sang with Bon Jovi. That is almost like singing with Celine. At least you didn't suck.



Love you!,
Emily

Lady Gaga,
Well, you've done it again. Just when I thought the outfits couldn't get any more bizarre and jaw dropping, they did. How in the world did you stand in those shoes? And wasn't it annoying holding your little "star thingy" all night? I would've been uber annoyed very fast.


You definitely opened the show off with a bang, and as much as I thought it would suck, you really surprised me. You rocked it. Maybe you do have some talent after all.


And this outfit was just as strange as all the others. But somehow, you made it work (as much as such an outfit can work, that is). I've gotta give it to you, you've got some serious guts.




Congrats on the Grammys,
Emily

Jonas Brothers,
Buddy Holly called. He wants his wardrobe back.


Ugh,
Emily

Kanye and your prostitute, doormat, loser whatever-she-is,
First of all, you look drunk. Second, satin was out a LONG time ago. Velvet went out with it. An outfit in 2010 of both of these should be absolutely forbidden. And to your whatever-she-is, this is America! Why do you need the weird getup? Oh, that's right! You are an attention whore of extreme proportions (who you are seen with is proof). Why did I expect anything less?


You suck,
Emily

Kathy Griffin,
I am NOT a fan of you. I think you are annoying, rude and have I mentioned annoying beyond belief? You think you are a lot funnier than you really are. And, I gotta say: I think its hysterical how similar you look to a cat! Bahahahahahaha!



Feel free to go away,
Emily

Lea,
You have yet to look bad on the red carpet. Keep it up girl.


You're hot,
Emily

Dr. D (AKA my Speech Science teacher),
To say I was completely and utterly lost today in class is like saying Elton John is only sort of gay. Ridiculous, right? Right. I thought I was in Speech Pathology school, not some math graduate program. I don't understand why I need to know how to calculate wavelength, frequency, blah blah blah. And honestly, I just don't get it. Any way you could just leave those silly math problems off the test? Thanks.

Love,
Your Favorite Student EVER