Funeral

I thought I’d write a post about my funeral.

Yes, I said funeral.

I know you’re probably shaking your head thinking... this girl is a bit weird, quirky and odd.

Actually, that describes me to the letter.

And, on top of that I am a control freak. So, while I’m still living and breathing, I thought I’d outline my wishes for my funeral. It is one final attempt to have full control over a life I no longer have. Wow! That’s a weird sentence.

That, and because one can never be too prepared.

First, I want the best coffin they make – perhaps mahogany. Expensive, well sure... but, look at it this way. A coffin will be my absolute last gift. And you won’t buy anything else for me... ever. So, please don’t be cheap when picking out my final resting place. My first choice would be a Longaberger Basket Casket, but if that is not available, then a top-of-the-line solid mahogany casket will be fine.
This one is perfect.



Remember, I said “solid” and “mahogany”, not “pressed” and “wood.”

When it comes to flowers, I prefer brightly colored gerbera daisies. And, sticking some candles in between the flowers will add ambiance. Just be careful. I would rather you not burn the church to the ground because of excessive candle use.

Next, while I have mentioned in the past that I would like to be buried in something a gorgeous shade of purple, I have since then surveyed my closet and have changed my mind. There are about fourteen pieces of purple clothing in my closet and none of them are fitting for me to be displayed in all my glory at my last hoo-rah.

With that said, I would like to be buried in black. Black is slimming and I've always been a fan of wearing black. Black is an attention getter and I want attention on that day. I am going to have lots of friends and family weeping over my dead body and I want to look good.

And, for the sake of the mourners, I don’t really want to smell like "funeral home" or a flower shop, so please give me a dash of Notes – my favorite perfume – by Celine Dion (who else). If people are going to be standing over me, I don’t want to smell like corpse.

This next one is a biggie!

Please, please, please whatever you do... do not display me in a funeral home where it smells of flowers and musk. I worship at First Baptist with my family. It's been my church thus far, and I'll always call it my home church. I want you to haul my hind-end right down the Marsha Sharp Freeway and roll me into the sanctuary. There is ample parking for the huge crowd that will surely be there and it is a beautiful place that is special to me.

Some folks will come just to see what this ole girl looks like dead, some will be there because we shared some good times and they care about me, and others will be there simply for fear that I will haunt them if they do not show up. Whichever group you fall into, I’ll go ahead and thank you now for your participation.

The musical selections are important. I’d like piano and soft music played during my viewing. Something soothing – Jim Brickman or Instrumental Inspirations. I want people to feel welcome and comforted. The music will aid in this. During my actual funeral I would like for our choir director to sing ”It Is Well With My Soul” because, well... it is well. I would also like for someone to sing “I Can Only Imagine,” because one can really only imagine what they will do when their day comes. I can’t imagine what it will be like; all I know is that I’m ready. For good measure, I’d also like a song from Casting Crowns sang (or is it sung?) because I triple love them. And don't forget something by Celine (your choice; everything the woman sings is diviiiiiiiiine). And if I die after a lengthy illness after suffering awhile, feel free to have someone sing "If You Could See Me Now".

Since so much money will be spent on that mahogany casket, please spend a little extra for a fitting epitaph. And as for my burial space, I want to be buried at a funeral home here in town so that all my fans friends and family can ceremoniously put flowers on my grave every once in awhile. Although I've had enough of people walking all over me in my years on earth, I'd still like to be buried where some of my family already is (and where the rest of my family will one day be buried).

I love life and I love my friends. I’ve lived a good life and I am ready to meet my Maker. For that reason, please do not stand around with a somber look on your face. Remember the great times we had, remember how we laughed until we cried. Remember how much I loved you and how grateful I am for you having been a part of my life (well, most of you who attend, that is). As you stand over me in my fabulous mahogany casket, smile at my purple outfit and manicured nails (french, please), enjoy the smell of my sweet perfume... and think about our good times.

In other words: Celebrate me!

Now, wasn’t that morbid fun?