I Surrender

The only part of my blog I didn't enjoy was coming up with something for the unavoidable "About Me" section. Despite the fact I was blogging about any and all aspects of my life, summing myself up in a few sentences seemed daunting.

I am not a wife or a mother. I haven’t entered the real world. I am STILL in school, because apparently I’m a glutton for punishment. As I think is true with most people, I felt like I could say who I wasn't much easier than who I was.

Rather than mess with it, I wrote instead about what I wanted the blog to be about. One of the lines was this: "This blog is about me, my life, my walk with Jesus and learning to adapt to the changes life throws at all of us..."

When I re-read it again recently, the concept just didn't sit right with me anymore. I remember typing it and believing it, but over the course of writing the blog my perspective changed greatly.

To me, adapting now feels a bit like a negative concept... like God and I have different ideas about my life, and by adapting I'm adjusting my view rather than surrendering to His. I've learned through the trial and error of life that I don't want to adapt anymore.

I want to be so present in my moments that adaptation isn't necessary.

I was supposed to be happily married, sharing my life with someone whom I thought I loved more than anything in the world. I was supposed to be happy. Carefree. Content.

Instead, I've spent the last few months watching my life as I knew it and as I dreamed it to be, slip from my grasp. I lived a number of those days fighting with all of my might to hang on to every piece I could. It was of no use.

It didn't happen overnight, although sometimes it feels that way.

I adapted because I had to, but I didn't like it.

Suddenly, I was on my own. My heart broken, guilt eating me alive, my beloved family angry and just as hurt as I was. I had no choice but to adapt. My life had changed pretty dramatically.
I put up this front with everyone. Smiled in public and sobbed myself to sleep. Lost my appetite. Kept telling myself I was fine when on the inside, I felt like I was dying more every day. I tried to be upbeat and seem “strong” to those around me. I just didn’t want people to worry.

Now, don't get me wrong. Having a bit of spunk is a good thing, but the intention behind the spunkiness matters. I wasn't fighting to maintain my previous life because I thought it was in God's plan for me. I didn't push myself because it was in my physical or mental best interest. I fought because I was stubborn and wanted my life to be the one I had planned. I was adapting as a compromise between my desires and His.

And there should be no compromising when it comes to God's purpose.

So, I've really worked at changing my thinking... and it is changing my heart. Just as much as I would embrace a miracle of healing with open arms, I choose to embrace all that comes into my life the same way.

I've learned to embrace the pain. Embrace the solitude. Embrace the constantly changing plan of my day as my pain and emotions fluctuate.

I've stopped trying to adapt between what I want and what I have...and I've learned instead to want what I'm given. By removing the expectations I placed on my life, I've come to appreciate the moments He has so graciously bestowed on me.

It doesn't make the journey easy.

But it does make it worthwhile.

There are lessons in the pain. There is discovery in the solitude. There are blessings in the opportunities that have come because of my situation.

I see every moment of my life now, both the difficult and the joyful, as moment to be embraced. Because I know that God is in the middle of all of them. He is in the center of my storms and my blessings. He sees it all with eyes that know and understand and foresee the purpose of my situation. And I want what He wants, though not as much as I should.

So I no longer adapt, compromise or adjust. I surrender. I simply trust that whatever is in front of me at any given moment, He is in the center of it.

And there's no place else I'd rather be.