Helpful Hints 101

Last night I made a seriously exciting discovery... there are TIES on the inside of my duvet cover that connect to the LOOPS on the corners of my down comforter, ensuring that the duvet STAYS IN PLACE and doesn't shift or bunch. Uuuuuuummmmmmmmm, why did no one tell me this? I've spent YEARS battling the bunchy duvet every morning, bemoaning the glorious photo spreads in girly magazines (Thank You, Glamour!), asking the god (little 'g') of housewares why my duvet never lived up!

This is the type of information that needs to be parachuted into your window (or Harry Potter owl-style-delivery, perhaps) on the day of high school graduation. Or better yet, THIS is the stuff that needs to be taught in some mandatory elective course prior to the obligatory mortar board toss. Because really, did Ceramics II get you anywhere in life?

Helpful Tips 101: Syllabus

* Fantasy Football & You: How to Impress Colleagues You Don't Really Care about Impressing
* The Minimum Balance: Why Your Parents Weren't Just Trying To Be Selfish Jerks About Credit Cards
* How To Get Creeped Out: Get Stuck in a Speech Clinic Room With a Prisoner Who Claims He Isn't Dangerous Because He Is "ONLY A Child Killer". How Comforting You ARe, Mr. Freakin' Psycho! Now, Go Away. (Or Better Yet, Go Find My Korean Phonetics Teacher and Tell Her To Be Nice)
* Fitted-Sheet Folding: A How-To Seminar**
* How To Brighten Any Bad Day in Two Words: Celine Dion
* Jungle Boogie: Is That Trashcan Punch Roofied, or Just Delicious?
* A Memo from Your Metabolism: Stop Messing With My Head
* Dancing With The Stars: How to Spend Two Hours of Your Life Hating Skinny Girls With Amazing Boo-tay Moves and Tiny Waists Dance With the Most Handsome Men On The Planet. (Hating Said Women Is Optional.)





* Phonetics: Endless Amounts of Useless Information: Is Phonetics Really Relevant These Days? How to Want to Poke Your Eyeballs Out With a Screwdriver Every Stinkin' Day. (BTW, I vote no. So does every other normal breathing person on the planet.)
* How to Not Go Crazy When Dealing With Life: Learn How To Watch the Little Couple and Procrastinate
* How To Love Your Life: Get a Sadie Jane Who Gets More Adorable With Every Single Breath.
* Ugh 101: How To Pull Your Hair Out Every Bleeping Day: Are Boys Just Genetically Wired to Think About No One But Themselves? I vote yes. So does the rest of the female population. (Unless you are Angelina Jolie or some other girl in a totally unrealistic relationship. Le sigh.) This class taught by the Feminist Extraordinaire.

**I'm accepting guest-speaker applications for this one. I will be in the front row, taking notes, with color-coded pens, and a video camera.