Growth

Warning: It's long, and not the lightest stuff ever.

How do you measure personal growth?

and

Can you grow in the wrong direction?

and

Does it still count as growth if no one else notices?

and

Does saying "growth" a lot make you realize what an odd word it really is?

I don't know the answers to most of those questions, but I know this for sure: growth is a weird word.

Not long ago, I was talking to one of my best friends on the phone. We met in Biology in undergrad and were pretty much inseparable. We've been through the highs and lows of both relationships and definitely don't talk often enough. She was in my wedding party. We've been through it all. We talked about school, life, all sorts of fun girly stuff. Suddenly, we were laughing and talking and it was bliss.

Right before we hung up, she said, "Hey Em, was that just you laughing again?" And it was. I replied "it was!". It was the first time I had really thought about it. I've felt so happy lately. I got really tired of ruining my makeup crying so much. Growth. I no longer want to think about how things could have been different. I no longer want to be with him. I just want to move on. I no longer want to break his heart like mine was. Do you hear that? I think someone is singing the Hallelujah Chorus.

Of course I've grown in a negative way, too. I don't always like how calloused I am to it all now; divorce, splitting up. It worries me, makes me wonder if I'll ever be able to think of marriage as a truly holy and sanctified union again. I thought I would hang on for as long as it took, throw myself under every bus I could to make us a couple again. It turns out everyone has their limits. Believe it or not, you can only throw yourself under the bus so many times before you start to wonder if you really want to be on that bus after all.

Who knows if that's God telling me I can rest, that I've done my best, or Satan trying to get me to give up on keeping my relationships together. I don't know anymore; can't make heads or tales of the signs and ups and downs and ins and outs of my life for the past several months. This time, as miserable as it has been, has easily been the most stringent, growth filled period I've ever gone through in my entire life.

There was one argument we had towards the end of our relationship that I remember very well. We were yelling talking, standing by the front door, and he was saying something that was making me completely crazy. I don't even remember exactly what he was saying. I do remember feeling so angry. The same feeling I would feel when I was about to lash out at him. I remember looking up at him and saying "Can you please leave my house? I really want to break your nose right now." I didn't touch him at all, in a positive or negative way. In fact, I remember my hands being on either side of my head, clutching my hair, the classic pose of the incredibly frustrated person.

He remembers that fight, too. But we remember it very differently. I remember that fight because I didn't try to hit him while he remembers that fight because I told him I wanted to.

In fact, to him, saying I felt like I wanted to hit him was the same thing as actually doing it. To me, I was waiting for brownie points, a pat on the head, recognition for using my words. I mean, just because I say I want to take off for Mexico on a bad day doesn't mean I would up and do it, you know? But because his outlook was different from mine, he didn't see the growth at all. I've probably been guilty of the same thing; I can't be sure.

So which is it? Did I grow or not? I think I did. I think I've grown intensely over the past year especially when I started to take responsibility for myself in a million ways. My anger was a big issue, and while it's hugely frustrating that I had already gotten control of myself before he left and he couldn't see it, it doesn't mean that it wasn't still a great thing that I worked through it for myself. I had a lot to be mad about, really, and I pretended I wasn't mad most of the time. Like I wasn't still mad as hell over being mistreated or angry that I felt like I was getting cheated out of every having a good healthy relationships; mad that I was not the partner I wanted to be. Truthfully, probably mad over things that happened long ago before I ever met him. Believe it or not, pretending not to be mad doesn't work very well. The mad finds a way, it always does. If you deny it emotionally long enough, it will turn physical, whether you want it to or not, because our bodies just aren't meant to operate under such high levels of tension day in and day out.

It feels so much better not to feel that way anymore. Not to feel like I'm a victim of my own anger, to be able to make the choice about whether to laugh or cry or scream. It wasn't a choice for me before... all the anger in me would just come pouring out when I was arguing with my partner, mostly because he felt like a safe place, someone I could direct it all at without worrying about them leaving me to my own devices because I was being an ugly version of myself.

So I guess the point is that in my opinion, you can grow even if no one acknowledges it. Sometimes the big things, the huge growth, goes largely unnoticed, while the little things make light bulbs pop over your head.

When I opened my mailbox and saw a baby shower invitation from his family, another card from the jewelry store him and his girlfriend visited, addressed to them, I froze for a second, and it felt like time stopped. What was about to happen? How would I react? Would seeing their names together like that, her name in place of mine, send me on the same tailspin I went on last time? Would I spend three days sick to my stomach, throwing up everything I ate, bawling for roughly 12 hours out of the day and angry the rest? For a moment I didn't even know what my own reaction would be.

Then, as if in slow motion, I watched myself roll my eyes, toss the stupid thing back in the mailbox (my preferred way of dealing with mail I don't like), and went inside. Eventually I texted him (after he wouldn't answer my phone calls), telling him to just get my address off of that freaking mailing list, STAT. I may have thrown in a few choice phrases, too. I really can't remember.

Now you tell me that's not growth.

Sometimes we grow in ways we can shout from the roof tops, and sometimes our growth just barely brings us to the surface of the water for a single breath. But it's all work, it's all progress, and it's all worth talking about. Would it have been easier to say that things are just fine, going good? Oh yeah. It'd be easier to say I was already perfect. But without the valleys you don't get the peaks, either, and I'll put myself right out there and say, "God, have I ever been in some deep valleys." Have I ever felt out of control and helpless and scared! And because of that, because of the lows I have hit, I am so grateful, so thankful for these highs that in any other circumstances may not feel like highs at all.

Growing is growing is growing. Own it. No one else can.