Fear and Doubt

Meanwhile, the boat was far out to sea when the wind came up against them and they were battered by the waves. At about four o’clock in the morning, Jesus came toward them walking on the water. They were scared out of their wits. “A ghost!” they said, crying out in terror. But Jesus was quick to comfort them. “Courage, it’s me. Don’t be afraid.” -Matthew 14:24-27

I've been sitting here thinking about the doubt in my life. Is God really big enough to handle my life? Does He really understand the immensity of my current situation. Does He really care? Is He even listening as I repeatedly get down on my knees and plea for understanding and guidance? Why won't he just answer my prayers already?

Peter, suddenly bold, said, “Master, if it’s really you, call me to come to you on the water. Come ahead.” Jumping out of the boat, Peter walked on the water to Jesus. But when he looked down at the waves churning beneath his feet, he lost his nerve and started to sink. He cried, “Master, save me!” -Matthew 14:28-30

Do I really believe that He can save me, that He cares about me and my current situation? I start out strong and faithful yet the farther I walk the more I take my eyes off of Him and place them on my current situation. Then I start to sink. Drowning in lack of faith, lack of trust. Lack of my Savior.

"Jesus didn’t hesitate. He reached down and grabbed his hand. Then he said, “Faint-heart, why did you doubt?” -Matthew 14:31

Jesus never doubted Peter. It was Peter's doubt in himself and his Savior that almost sunk him. That speaks volumes to me in these times of doubt. Jesus never doubts me either. Every time I fail, He picks me up without hesitation. He draws me closer to him and wraps His arms around me, and gently asks: “Faint-heart, why did you doubt?”

I doubt me. I doubt that I have all of the answers, yet I continue to try to figure things out on my own. I doubt that I have the strength to fight like mad to be happy, to be happy with myself, to make a great relationship work, to trust Him with everything, yet I know in my heart that the end of my story is already written and I just need to chill and enjoy every moment that I am here. I doubt that I am doing enough, fighting hard enough, staying strong enough, yet I know that I can't even begin to have the strength to do it on my own. Yet every time... I try. And every time... I doubt. And every time... He lovingly draws me back.

I believe that my situation NEVER takes my God by surprise, but it sure took me by surprise. And I have doubted that I have the strength to fight this for the long haul… but I continually am reminded that I don’t have to “walk on this water” alone.

In fact, He is longing to walk through this walk (and every single one to come) with me. NO MATTER WHAT. It is my doubt, not His lack of faith in me, that pushes Him away. Jesus has faith that you can follow Him, and that you can be like Him. He has faith in me, even when I don’t have faith in myself. And that is a beautiful thing.