Inconvenient Gratitude

Am I thankful? Sure I am. As long as it’s convenient. As long as the gift-giver is within ear’s reach of my thank you. And as long as what I’m thankful for is good, comfortable, pleasant and smells great. And exactly what I've always just had to have wanted.

I never thank anyone for rolling over my toe with their cart in the grocery store, pulling out in front of me on the road and then going ridiculously slow. I don't say "thank you" to someone for an unkind word.

And I never thank God for struggles.

I mean, how stupid would I sound:

• Thank you, God, for NO MONEY to pay the bills today.

• Thank you that one of my tiniest patients had to die from Neuroblastoma way too soon.

• Thank you for heartbreak.

• Thank you for allowing me to be alone when the one thing I really want is my happily ever after, sooner rather than later.

• Thank you for abusive romantic partners. Having a garage door opener hurled at my head was really a highlight of my life. Oh, and pointing the gun at me? Even better. I loved it. Thanks for that, too!

• Thank you for allowing him to traumatize Sadie so horrifically that she totally HATES boys and is terrified, no matter who it is.
  

• Thank you God for a lack of self confidence and abundance of self esteem issues.

• Thank you, God, for the rejection of friends and that crazy mean email last week. Thank you for the tears it cost.

• Thank you for dogs that run away when the AT&T guy sets up internet and leaves the back gate wide open. Thank you for allowing ME to find him dead on the side of the road a few weeks later. That really made my day, God.
  

• Thank you for the explosive diarrhea that spews from Sophie's behind when I least expect it. And thank you Lord that it's usually in bed at 4 AM.
  

• Thank you for the argument I had with someone I love. Thank you, God, that they don't understand me.

• Thank you that I feel so inadequate in soo many areas of my life.
  

• Thank you for the guilt.

I think you get the idea. Maybe I'm weird, but not a single prayer of mine has ever contained something remotely close to any of these things.

We are usually thankful for blessings. Gifts. Encouragement. An incredible support system. Unconditional love. Provision. Tickets to Celine Dion. Getting a college education with absolutely no debt whatsoever. Owning a house by age 23. We send thank-you notes for gifts. We reach out to others. We are grateful for warm beds and fireplaces that glow in our family rooms.

We are thankful because it’s easy and expected. But the sweet times, the never ending happy times are not what shape me. I am comfortable and will stay the same way if everything always goes my way.

Discomfort is the only way I grow. And I am never grateful for sitting in the valley of hurt and pain. I’m never thankful when things don’t work out like I planned. I stomp my feet instead and no-fair God. I tell Him He doesn’t know what it's like to be me.

I’m not changed in the lots-of-money, friends never fight, families always stay together days. But I am changed in the I’m-fat, second-argument-this-week, sad, lonely, worried-about-my future days.

That is when I’m moved to trust. I have to because nothing else works. These are the days when God comes in and interlocks my heart with His own, turns my head to refocus my attention and then asks me to trust.

And I should be grateful that He thinks enough of me to carefully turn me toward beauty, kindness, and grace with pressure.

I don’t want to just be thankful for the easy. I want to be grateful for the hard. And that involves a choice... one I'm making today.