Emily: Dear Sophie

If Sadie wrote a letter to Sophie, I think it would look something like this:

Dear Sophie Grace,
Sister, we need to have a talk. So use those enormous ears God blessed you with, and listen to the following shpeel from your favorite brown Chi-weenie. I will use bullet points to make it easier, as I suspect you are still learning to process things.

STOP SNIFFING MY BUTT. I know that dogs get "information" from other dogs by sniffing their butts, but I'll tell you any information you need to know and I won't have to feel so violated every ten minutes. Seriously, just ask. I'm an open book.

I was here first. I had our momma all to myself for more than a year. Yes, it was amazing. Therefore, I am her priority. So it should no surprise you when I snatch those delicious chicken jerky treats out of her hand before you can get there. So don't get your tail all in a bunch and have a cow. She has one for you, too. Chill out, blackie.

I have a system. I nap for awhile, wake up, yawn, stretch my back and then nudge dear ol' momma in hopes of getting a belly rub. It usually works. Yet it never fails: she starts my personal rub session, and you feel the need to wake up and try to steal the spotlight. That's not fair, and frankly it pisses me off.

You have this crazy behavior that I really don't understand. You hop around ~~like a psycho~~ like the puppy you are and get all excited when momma says "Hey girls, wanna go for a ride?" But then, she tries to pick you up and you run around like a maniac and try to hide from her. Let the record show that both of us get annoyed when you do this crazy run and hide crap. So, please stop (or just learn to jump up into the car).

It's no secret that the poop that comes out of your butt (or anyone's butt, for that matter) is STINKY with a capital S. But your toots are equally as bad. Please learn to pinch pennies or go outside. And if you must toot inside, please don't look at your butt and wonder what just came out of it. Yes, it was you. And yes it stinks.

I don't understand why you are so ridiculously scared of Delilah. She is quite possibly the biggest pansy ever and yet you seem to think she's going to eat you alive or something. (Side note: breathe Auntie Katie.) She is not the brightest light bulb in the box so you really have nothing to be scared about. (Side note: breathe Auntie Katie. We still love her.)

I understand that you have hormones that you can't control. However, this does NOT give you permission to randomly hump me. I am NOT gay, and besides, our parts wouldn't mesh right. So please take your humpage elsewhere. And for the record, our dear owner's leg is not elsewhere.

Soon enough, you will get spayed AKA "fixed". We are all hoping this also fixes your stupid little attitude changes. Your freakouts are not welcome in our home.

Just a word of advice: there is no need to run from Auntie Katie. She will gladly love on you for hours, but she's not in the business of chasing you around like a retard. So when she calls your name and says to come to her, you should go. She's a good Auntie. And she loves you, but she doesn't love chasing anything.

Last but no least, please stop growling when you are being petted. It's not attractive and it makes you seem rather *itchy. And *itchs are not welcome around me and Momma, either. So back off.

Love, your favorite brown chiweenie AKA Sadie Jane